I just don't get it. All this time.. I've been feeling guilty and hurting because of what I forced myself to do, for preservation, I thought, of my sanity. I just cut a big chuck out (practically half my existence). Pushing her away, risking whatever devotion was left, and seriously jepordizing the love that has lasted me longer than any other (except for God). And every time I had any kind of urge towards her to show her my love in any of the ways that I use to be so fond of, I squished it harshly, reminding myself that those things were useless. But as the weeks passed, I began to forget why it was I being so harsh on her. It started tearing me up more than giving me a sense of safety. I began to wonder how I could be so horrible as to cut her off like that. I know it hurt her because I know she still loves me in spite of it.

That's why it irked me to no end that when I come back to where I left off, things are exactly as I thought them to be. My brain can't seem to wrap around this.

I was right.

And again, instead of talking about it with her, I am right as ready to just hightail it.

Now that I'm done being pissed off to high heaven (or is that hell?) though, I don't know what to do. I can't trust people who can't respect what I ask. I fully understand if they don't see the reasons behind my requests (sometimes I can't even admit those reasons to myself, silly or not, until I give it some hard thought), think they're stupid or just don't care.

However, if you wish me to trust you, to be intimate with you, then you go along with it until I am no longer afraid of you.

Otherwise, I will continue to keep you at a distance.

Self preservation is selfish. I know this. Yet I still run if that makes me feel safer

even if it's at your expense.