First, you go behind their back…
Say lots of mean and petty things,
Cruel, nasty, and degrading things.
Making sure no one ever likes them
After that, pretend not to notice them
Don’t ever actually talk to them
Leave them out of everything
But always talk in front of them
About parties and little outings
To which they’re not invited
Of course, you can’t forget…
Send them nasty awful letters
Denying that all this is true
And spread more lies around
Make sure you trash all their friends
And don’t forget to lie to their face
(This part is a definite must)
Make sure they know you’re still a friend
(Can’t be acting your age in any way)
Throw caution and ration to the wind
Being petty, childish, and immature
Is the best way to start it out…
Turn your head when they walk your way
Keep silent when you they ask you “why”
Laugh at all their little misfortunes
Do everything you can to make them cry
Make their life a misery
Be the bane of all banes
Don’t stop until they’re totally crushed
And you have been satisfied
That you have done your part…
To love a friend.